Inappropriate Winking


Recently, I was getting dressed in my room, in a rush to make my husband’s business dinner on time. I had approximately 2 minutes to whore myself up to trophy wife standards before dashing out the door. As I’m in my underwear, fiercely trying to put my nylons on as delicately and quickly as I can, I glance over at the bed to see Peterbilt. He’s watching me get dressed, probably sensing that we are about to leave him home alone AGAIN. Mom NEVER wears lipstick and nylons for Peter.

I pull up my nylons over my thigh, and snap and adjust them into place. Husband walks into the room and hearing the nylons, slaps me lightly on my butt as I’m bending over. I smirk and glance up again to call my husband some sort of offensive epithet and caught Peterbilt’s eye again. He winks at me. Peterbilt, that is. Not my husband, who’s buttoning up his shirt, trying his hardest to come up with a witty retort and is failing miserably. Pete saw my husband smack dat half nekkid ass and winked at me, like he knows all about the crude yet light-hearted games two committed people play with each other after they’ve seen each other poop. I told my husband, “Pete just winked at me.” He looked over at Peterbilt, smirked, said “That’s cuz he knows what’s up. That’s my DAWG!” and gave him a fist bump. Cue eye roll…

This isn’t my first experience with inappropriate winking and I know it won’t be my last. Any of you that own a dog or a cat know what I’m talking about. Every now and then, as you are taking care your “behind the scenes” human needs, you feel someone behind you. It’s your pet watching you and he/she gives you a wink as if to say, “It’s OK. Your natural unibrow will be OUR little secret.” And for a second, you drop the tweezers and wonder.

Or maybe you’re getting it on and you think the cat is sleeping on the recliner in the living room. As you enter the throes of passion you look over at the tall boy to see Mittens, perched on top, watching your horizontal mambo with great interest. *Wink*

Or, possibly, your in the kitchen, resentfully getting your passive agressive/sexist/racist/pig relative’s dessert. You accidentally drop his/her cheesecake on the floor. There’s glimmer of a smile as you scoop it back onto the plate, dog hair side down. You’re about to walk back into the dining room to serve it when you notice your dog has been watching you the whole time, tail wildly wagging like he agrees with you. *Wink* “Don’t worry. I shit in that bastard’s shoes, too.”

Winking is such a human thing, it’s weird to recognize it in animals. It personifies your pet to the point that you are as creeped out as if a midget just saw you and winked at you. Or a child. Or that creeper that works in HR that you can’t seem to rid yourself of. How does a creep get a job in HR anyways? Who hires these people?

You rationalize the behavior away, telling yourself that it was probably a hair in their eye or something and that helps, until it happens again. And then you wonder how aware your pet is to your goingson…..

Cats are the most frequent offenders, in my opinion.

My first experience with IW was several years ago, back when I had a cat. My cat, Jackson, woke me up one morning, going crazy because it was noon and I hadn’t fed him yet. I had the typical 20-something bender the night before but as I was entering my mid 20’s, I was noticing my hangovers were getting exponentially worse. Jackson performed his best somersaults on my stomach, which did get me out of bed: straight to the toilet. As I was dry heaving into the toilet, I looked over my shoulder to Jackson sitting at the threshold of the bathroom door. *Wink*, like he knew exactly why I was sick. I stopped heaving for a moment to absorb what had just happened. For a moment, I considered that maybe all animals were playing dumb, humoring US. I pictured for a moment all of the cats of the world, flying up into space in a Hitchhiker’s Guide-esque manner, after shit hit the proverbial fan planet-wise. Taking cue from the dolphins, they send humankind a message, “So long, and thanks for all of the room temperature potted meat.” Then I continued my vomiting.

Share your animal inappropriate winking story! What made you cringe or laugh? What it from your dog or cat, or baby even?

Categories: Dogs, Pets | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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