Monthly Archives: January 2014

I have a new blog!

Hello fart fans! Please be sure to check out my new travel blog, minnesotatravelblog.com. It follows my other passion besides raising two ornery bulldogs: traveling all over Minnesota and beyond!

I have many stories and pictures to share and I’ll also be offering sound travel advice, tips, jokes and cool and unusual things. I head to Palm Springs, CA in less than 3 weeks and also EelPout Festival in Walker, MN shortly after.

Why should you follow my travel blog? Click below to see the reasons why.

http://minnesotatravelblog.com/

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10 Things To Do Instead of Watching the Superbowl

If I took a word association test, here is what it would sound like:

Bird: Robin

Fart: Husband

Happy: Wine

Sad: Wine

Superbowl: Meh.

My indifference towards the Superbowl is palpable. I realize to many, the big game is a holiday. A tradition. And good for them. Me? I just can’t get enthused. I tried to for many years and found myself just going through the motions at parties to make me not be a drag on others, but my pretending-to-care years are past me.

Unlike a good chuck of the population who remembers each Superbowl by the teams who played or the team that won, I identify each Superbowl by remembering what I was doing during the game. Last year, I was getting caught up on laundry and making my kickass buffalo chicken dip. The year before, I was cleaning up carsick bulldog vomit between the seats of my Ford Exploder. The year before that, well, I can’t remember that far back. But I’m pretty sure no fucks were given. I can usually find something way more productive or entertaining to do that sit around for hours on a February Sunday and get bombarded with ads that insult your intelligence.

I started to make a list of 10 things to do during the big game that would be 100x more amusing that any Spanish-speaking Chihuahua pushing tacos, but these were only things that I found funny or worthwhile:

1.) With Hubs in front of the TV upstairs, I can FINALLY play with the Xbox downstairs. Turn on some Dance Central and practice my Soulja Boy.

2.) Walk laps around the house eating string cheese and count the number of laps Mack makes following me before he realizes I’ve just tricked him into exercising.

3.) Find one of my husband’s almost threadbare socks and make a puppet. The creepier, the better. Hide behind the couch and slowly peek it’s head out about once every minute or two until husband jumps off of the couch yelling obscenities…..

This one will do.

This one will do.

(Actually….the more I think this one out, the more I realize that one of the bulldogs would probably give me away. Damn.)

So, I came up with 10 things that YOU can occupy yourself with during the game with if you do not care to watch large dudes in spandex reaching under other dudes’ junk to hold a ball and then be force fed commercials:

1.) Ladies: Go to the mall without makeup in your grubbies. Shopping centers are empty. Now is the time. No men will be there and the women there are escapees from Superbowl parties, so no judgement. Men: go to the mall WITH makeup.

2.) Make your self a SUPER BOWL of cereal using a large mixing bowl and some super awesome cereals. Think “Cookie Crisp”, if they still make it, that is. Let yourself go.

3.) Stuck at a party you could care less about? Start a game called Shout Shots. Everyone someone yells at the TV, slam a shot. You might even start to like football.

4.) Start a TV show scavenger hunt with your friends and surf the non-Superbowl channels for lame TV. This game could be played via skype, internet or phone. You could put something together like, first one to find all 5 wins a 6-pack of beer, or a gift bag of assorted nonsense:

-An episode of Everyone Loves Raymond

-An old western

-A cheesy 90’s movie (ie: Spiceworld)

-An infomercial about a hygiene product (ie: NoNo, Nads, etc)

-A classic movie, with the shit edited out of it (for time and swearing)

5.) Throw a “End of Football” season party where no one can say foot, ball, tackle, sack, touchdown, or field goal, but everyone keeps trying to trick everyone into saying foot, ball, tackle, sack, touchdown, or field goal. Person who tricks the most people wins a “__________”.

6.) Now’s the time to shop at Costco. This is kind of like #1, but seriously….take care of your shopping now. If you’re anything like me, you like Costco’s products but hate traversing that congested hellhole they call a parking lot and fighting for aisle space with other people and their over-sized shopping carts. Costco rage is a real thing and you’ll never get a store, or parking lot, as empty as one on Superbowl Sunday. You can thank me later.

7.) Have kids? That sucks, but there still might be hope for you yet. Introduce them to a new food genre: Chinese, Mexican, Mongolian restaurants are probably close to vacant and the staff will have much more patience with less customers to handle.

8.) Have dogs? It’s mani/pedi time. Dogs nails get really long in the winter since they are not outside as much, naturally filing them down. Long nails can be painful to goggies.

9.) Have cats? Well, you’re on your own there. Maybe invite a friend over so you can watch your cat totally ignore you.

10.) Single? Have no friends? House of Cards Marathon. Seriously. Season two starts Feb 14 on Netflix. You’ll be right on time.

 

Categories: Dogs, Farts, Funny, Pets | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

-18 and Life, You Got It

Hmm, that title probably gives away my age.

Welcome to Minnesota! Winter hellhole of the US! This is our 3rd “Polar Vortex” this winter, as ‘they’ call it, and the thermometer reads -18 degrees this morning. Polar Vortex. Don’t you just love media coined terminology? I’m so happy there’s a medium out there that can break hard and scary things down like winter cold into palatable little bits that the layman can digest.

Hubs finds an icicle

Hubs finds an icicle

You’re probably thinking, “Jesus, Sarah. Take a vacation already”. And I’m trying. It’s just been an especially hard winter with having to put a very angry dad in a nursing home and having to deal with a mother that is unable and unwilling to run a household on her own. That, combined with the bitter cold, has made Mama bulldog plow through her Christmas wine in a record 10 days.

OK, OK. I promise not to make this post about me teetering on the dark edge of self control. I can talk still talk about funny and gross things and I’ll save my parent’s drama for another post. So here it goes:

Peterbilt’s knee surgery was on 1/10/14 and it just so happened that God decided to bless us with 20 degree weather that day. Peterbilt did just fine in surgery as we expected. However, soon after, we found out we dodged a bullet we didn’t even know about.

I called the doctor the day of surgery to check in on Peterbilt. She said he was doing fine and was still groggy, but vomited as a side effect of the morphine. Not that the vomiting was unusual, it was just what he threw up that was. She said Peterbilt upchucked what appeared to be part of a red, rubber ball.

Red ball…….red ball. We didn’t have any red balls around our house. Just two blue ones-BADUMCHING! Sorry, Hubs. On many levels…….

I told the doctor that I could not explain how such an entity ended up in Peter’s stomach but that he has always been prone to eating some pretty weird shit. But either way, the doctor said we should be so glad he threw it up, or otherwise we would have had to pay for a stomach extraction surgery as well. Okay then!

“But that’s not all”, said the Doc. “We also noticed a hot spot underneath his neck that we didn’t see on him yesterday in his pre-op appointment.”

“A Hot Spot? I didn’t notice a hot spot”, I said.

“Well sometimes a new food or treat and cause a sudden breakout.”

“………………………..”

That was my bad. In my own guilt about subjecting Peterbilt to yet another surgery, I bought him a fancy bully stick and let him eat it the night before surgery. Way to meddle, Mom.

The doctor gave us some topical spray to take care of that. Which sounds easier than pills, but is not. Which, to fast forward to today, resulted in us having to repeatedly chase down an injured bulldog to spray his shaved neck with a cold fluid, as he tried to hobble away.

“That’s still not all”, said Dr. Emptyyourwallet.

She began to tell us of her report on our “special” request. That morning when we dropped Peterbilt off, we had informed the doctor of Peterbilt’s “mass ass-juicing”(see 12/12/13 post G.T.E https://houseoffarts.wordpress.com/2013/12/12/g-t-e/ ) and to have her check his bum out while he was under. Basically, his anal glands were perpetually dripping with butt soup, all over the place, for reasons unknown. It was getting so bad that everywhere he sat he left a big, sloppy smooch………with his ass.

It’s things like these that prepare us to be parents, I suppose.

The doctor told me that she pretty much got a money shot in the face after just poking at one. She proceeded with the rest of the expressing (god bless, her) but was still unsure as of why there was so much fluid being produced. She Googled. She determined that Peterbilt’s diet of commercial raw meat was not giving his body enough fiber, which was in turn causing his ass to do some strange things. She recommended that we put him on a specialty diet. She informed me that because of his large size, the diet would be “astronomical” for us. $180 a month.

LOL.

I thanked her for her research and offered to “revisit” that once we hit the lottery.

So, since then, Peterbilt has been doing just fine. The first few days he was pretty subdued, coming off of the sedatives. Then he was back to his old tricks again. He’s managed to jump up on our bed (a big no-no) a dozen times or so because we forgot to shut the bedroom door.

Whoops!

Whoops!

Last Sunday, he also scared the shit out of my husband on Sunday when he bulldozed past me to run outside and jumped in the back of truck. Thank God this dog is all out of ACL’s to tear.

We probably let him roam the house a lot than he should, but due to the cold, we can’t exactly take him for walks outside. His range of motion with his leg is pretty good considering surgery was less than 2 weeks ago. Mack has shown signs of jealously with all of the attention on Peterbilt, but shove a treat in his face and all is forgotten. We are trying to figure out other diets for Peterbilt to try that won’t cost $180 a month and we may have some possibilities. The ass-juicing has ceased for the moment. There are even talks of buying a new area rug for the living room. Things are looking up.

By the way, we found out what that red ball was.

My husband took Peterbilt to a friends house sometime in November. His friend has a Cavalier King Charles dog and Peter did his usual “raid of the other dog’s toys”. Peter ate the top off of a red, little dog Kong and that top tier had been simmering around in Pete’s tummy for upwards of 2 months. No signs of anything lodged in his digestive track from Pete. No vomiting, no lethargy. This dog never ceases to amaze us. And this is why mommy drinks.

Categories: Bulldogs, Dogs, Farts, Funny, Pets, Potty Humor | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why I haven’t posted in a few weeks

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Things of been very hectic around my household the last few weeks.

First, my fears about Peterbilt’s injury were confirmed (see Golden Showers post https://houseoffarts.wordpress.com/2013/12/02/golden-showers/ )

Peterbilt was confirmed by the vet that his ACL in his right leg has torn and that surgery was inevitable. Yay! Just how I wanted to spend $3,000! Not on a vacation or anything to escape the -50 windchill…

The picture I just took of him is of him sleeping on our bed, not knowing that this is the last time he’ll be able to jump up on furniture for several weeks.

His surgery is tomorrow. Prayers please!

Also, after a series of falls on New Year’s Eve, I’ve had to put my Dad into a nursing home.

I haven’t gotten much into my parents with this blog, but my dad has had Parkinson’s for about 10 years now. His disease has progressed to the point where he can no longer be safe home alone. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’ll spare you the gut wrenching details but this is situation is still ongoing. My husband has been my rock through this whole ordeal and even the Bulldogs have pitched in to help by not whizzing in the house or eating any shoes in the last 2 weeks. Hey, I’ll take anything I can get at this point.

So, it may be a few more weeks before able to get back to the blog.

Happy New Year everyone and stay warm.

Categories: Dogs | Tags: , , , , , | 5 Comments

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