10 Things To Do Instead of Watching the Superbowl

If I took a word association test, here is what it would sound like:

Bird: Robin

Fart: Husband

Happy: Wine

Sad: Wine

Superbowl: Meh.

My indifference towards the Superbowl is palpable. I realize to many, the big game is a holiday. A tradition. And good for them. Me? I just can’t get enthused. I tried to for many years and found myself just going through the motions at parties to make me not be a drag on others, but my pretending-to-care years are past me.

Unlike a good chuck of the population who remembers each Superbowl by the teams who played or the team that won, I identify each Superbowl by remembering what I was doing during the game. Last year, I was getting caught up on laundry and making my kickass buffalo chicken dip. The year before, I was cleaning up carsick bulldog vomit between the seats of my Ford Exploder. The year before that, well, I can’t remember that far back. But I’m pretty sure no fucks were given. I can usually find something way more productive or entertaining to do that sit around for hours on a February Sunday and get bombarded with ads that insult your intelligence.

I started to make a list of 10 things to do during the big game that would be 100x more amusing that any Spanish-speaking Chihuahua pushing tacos, but these were only things that I found funny or worthwhile:

1.) With Hubs in front of the TV upstairs, I can FINALLY play with the Xbox downstairs. Turn on some Dance Central and practice my Soulja Boy.

2.) Walk laps around the house eating string cheese and count the number of laps Mack makes following me before he realizes I’ve just tricked him into exercising.

3.) Find one of my husband’s almost threadbare socks and make a puppet. The creepier, the better. Hide behind the couch and slowly peek it’s head out about once every minute or two until husband jumps off of the couch yelling obscenities…..

This one will do.

This one will do.

(Actually….the more I think this one out, the more I realize that one of the bulldogs would probably give me away. Damn.)

So, I came up with 10 things that YOU can occupy yourself with during the game with if you do not care to watch large dudes in spandex reaching under other dudes’ junk to hold a ball and then be force fed commercials:

1.) Ladies: Go to the mall without makeup in your grubbies. Shopping centers are empty. Now is the time. No men will be there and the women there are escapees from Superbowl parties, so no judgement. Men: go to the mall WITH makeup.

2.) Make your self a SUPER BOWL of cereal using a large mixing bowl and some super awesome cereals. Think “Cookie Crisp”, if they still make it, that is. Let yourself go.

3.) Stuck at a party you could care less about? Start a game called Shout Shots. Everyone someone yells at the TV, slam a shot. You might even start to like football.

4.) Start a TV show scavenger hunt with your friends and surf the non-Superbowl channels for lame TV. This game could be played via skype, internet or phone. You could put something together like, first one to find all 5 wins a 6-pack of beer, or a gift bag of assorted nonsense:

-An episode of Everyone Loves Raymond

-An old western

-A cheesy 90’s movie (ie: Spiceworld)

-An infomercial about a hygiene product (ie: NoNo, Nads, etc)

-A classic movie, with the shit edited out of it (for time and swearing)

5.) Throw a “End of Football” season party where no one can say foot, ball, tackle, sack, touchdown, or field goal, but everyone keeps trying to trick everyone into saying foot, ball, tackle, sack, touchdown, or field goal. Person who tricks the most people wins a “__________”.

6.) Now’s the time to shop at Costco. This is kind of like #1, but seriously….take care of your shopping now. If you’re anything like me, you like Costco’s products but hate traversing that congested hellhole they call a parking lot and fighting for aisle space with other people and their over-sized shopping carts. Costco rage is a real thing and you’ll never get a store, or parking lot, as empty as one on Superbowl Sunday. You can thank me later.

7.) Have kids? That sucks, but there still might be hope for you yet. Introduce them to a new food genre: Chinese, Mexican, Mongolian restaurants are probably close to vacant and the staff will have much more patience with less customers to handle.

8.) Have dogs? It’s mani/pedi time. Dogs nails get really long in the winter since they are not outside as much, naturally filing them down. Long nails can be painful to goggies.

9.) Have cats? Well, you’re on your own there. Maybe invite a friend over so you can watch your cat totally ignore you.

10.) Single? Have no friends? House of Cards Marathon. Seriously. Season two starts Feb 14 on Netflix. You’ll be right on time.


Categories: Dogs, Farts, Funny, Pets | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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